The Secret Cost of a Piece of Shit Car

I seem to be the exception in thinking cars are ridiculously expensive these days. What’s a good car cost, $30K—minimum? If you spend that, you’ll certainly want full coverage insurance. If you finance it, you won’t have a choice.

And what’s it all for? Getting from a to b.

I love cars. And I love purpose-specific cars. And I know a reliable car can be had for $5K, no problem. If you’re not a mechanic or a car buff and don’t know how to choose a reliable $5k car, $10k will take the guesswork out of it. Consumer Reports is a good investment too.

On this front, I like to take things to the extreme. One of my vehicles is a Toyota Cargo Van. Yes, Cargo Van. It didn’t even have an official name. It was the weird, slant-nosed van of the 80’s. Built on a Toyota SR-5 pickup chassis, with the same engine, they will run forever, so long as you consider 300,000 miles forever.

Mine is an ’84. My first one was an ’86 but somebody ran into me in that one and totaled it. So, the ‘new’ one cost $1,200 as I recall. With 136,000 miles it was barely middle-aged. And not long after I bought it, a kid in a parking lot smashed into it and creased the left side.

Guess what insurance companies do when their client dents your $1,200 car? It ain’t worth fixin’ so they just give you $1,200. So, now I’ve got a free car.

Sure, people call it the Scooby-mobile, the Short Bus, the Rapist Van, and other choice names. Sure mothers clutch their daughters if you pull up to a stoplight where they’re standing.

It’s not a chick-magnet. In fact, when my brother pointed out the roomy back, with a wink, I responded “dude, consider the woman who’d sleep with you in the back of this van, then really ask yourself if it would be a good idea”. He nodded knowingly.

However, benefits include a pre-thrashed vehicle. If it gets dented, so what? Driving in winter? Rock chips in the paint? So what? Use the back for a dump run? Absolutely. Throw your fishing crap and your dog and a sleeping bag in the back: you’ve got a ready made tent-on-wheels.

The real cost however, is that it would seem such vehicles are often used in the commission of crimes. Just try to drive through Redmond, OR after dark in a Toyota Cargo Van. Somehow, you blinker didn’t go off. A taillight was mysteriously out for just a few minutes. Once my license plate was precariously mounted and in danger of coming off (as the bolts that held it in place were rusted, permanently on).

And one time, when pulled over after dark, the cop noticed an annoyed look on my face and invited me to say what was on my mind. So I did.

“Officer, it seems that if I drive this vehicle, I get pulled over and if I drive my nicer, newer vehicle, I never get pulled over.

He replied, “I’M NOT PROFILING YOU”!

I quipped (in poor judgment) “But it would seem you’re quite familiar with the concept”.

Then, the police officer went on to explain the simple fact that cars like mine are often used in the commissions of crimes. I’d have given him a dictionary and thesaurus, but I left them at home. Besides, I’m not sure he knew how to read.

To this day, I drive my free car. No payments. I self-insure, only carrying liability. And sometimes as drivers of Cadillac Escalades sit next to me at a stop light and look at my piece of shit car, full of judgment, I look back and see a $600 car payment; $150 in insurance; and a car that’s worth half their loan; I think they’re pissing away a beach house. And they think I’m smiling back, just to be friendly.

But the truth is, my car isn’t entirely free. Because cops love those fancy new cars. Nobody who’d own one of those would ever knock over a liquor store. Hell no.